Everyone’s idea of motherhood looks different. While pregnant, or even before, I think every woman considers what style of motherhood will be her own and how she wants to parent her children. Co-sleeping or crib sleeping, breastfeeding or formula, cry-it-out or attachment parenting – it’s an entire world of choices and everyone has to decide what’s best for themselves, their child, their family.
I have a lot of goals for what kind of Mama I want to be for Knox. Some of them have been easy to keep, some of them have been a daily challenge and some of them I feel guilty for compromising on, especially since I’ve been pregnant with our new little baby and daily life has just gotten a whole lot more difficult.
Things are changing and I’m sure there are one thousand more compromises to be made in the future. But for now, after surviving our first trimester (barely), here are a few things I want you to know about my expectations for myself as your Mama, Knox Elon:
I’m sorry for the days when, even though we planned not to start screen time until you turned two years old, we watched Curious George: A Very Monkey Christmas not one, not two, but THREE separate times because I was too sick to move from the couch. In January.
I’m sorry for the snack times when I served you as many store bought, processed Ritz crackers as you requested because I was too tired to bake the homemade healthy foods I hoped would always comprise most of your diet.
I’m sorry for the middle-of-the-nights when I handed you, crying, to Dada and sprinted from your room to throw up after attempting to nurse you back to sleep.
I’m sorry for the mornings when you had to read a book to yourself while you sat beside me in the bathroom while I got sick.
I’m sorry for the times I didn’t have enough patience and I snapped at you because I was tired or grumpy or in the weirdest of moods.
So much thought went into our decision to try and have another baby, and so much of it revolved around you, Knox the fox. A part of me longed to extend these weeks and months and years that I have alone with you. Because as exhausting as it can get sometimes, there’s something truly magical about having one-on-one time with you all day, every day. You’re my little best friend, and part of me imagined how amazing it would be to have four or five years of being partners in crime – to get to give you my complete, undivided attention while you grew from the curiosities of a toddler to the adventures of a little boy. But another part of me wanted you to experience the joy of having siblings close to you in age (and also, most likely, the bickering and scheming as well) and to see you thrive as a big brother the way I totally know you will.
In the past few months, I’ve already felt the dynamics of our little family slowly beginning to shift. Some of it has broken my heart a little, like the times I’ve found myself giving you only half of my attention while the other half of my brain was deep into research on isoimmunization in pregnancy, the way my endless Pinterest searches for toddler activities and recipes have begun to share space with my searches for nursery decor and newborn outfits or the way we’ve had to encourage your growing independence to help prepare you for the job of sharing me with another little person. Some of it has been so sweet it makes me cry, like your constant requests to read the “baby book” (my pregnancy journal) or when I ask you where the baby is and you demand that I “open” my shirt so you can give my belly a kiss and a grin.
But with every change that comes, I’m just so thankful – for a husband who always helps, for this new little nugget growing in my belly and always for you, sweet boy, my little best friend who made me a Mama forever.